3 litres of premium olive oil

I got up early this morning after a dream about washing too many dishes. I went back to bed and slept for another two hours. I had another dream; this time a friend and I arrived in Japan and were greeted at the airport by a big group of Japanese people. This may be because my parents have just returned from Japan. Not sure about the first dream.

It was a sunny morning, so I walked to the shops to procure some lemons. I wanted to make olive oil and lemon shots and have one to start my day. It’s the elixir of life, they say.

A woman was sitting on a low wall near the flat. She had one of the local cats in her lap. I startled them when I turned the corner, and the cat hopped off onto the ground. I’d disturbed a tranquil scene; both of them basking in the sun. I apologised to the woman. As I passed by, I saw she had a little bowl of cat food. When I returned from the shops, the cat had resumed its position in her lap. I gave them both a wide berth to ensure I didn’t startle the little fellow a second time.

Olive Trees. Landscape at Cadaques (1922) by Salvador Dali

I’d brought the wrong card with me to the shops – my Monzo, which I usually use for travelling. It wasn’t topped up, so I asked the lady behind the counter if she could keep my lemons for ten minutes while I walked back. She said she would. I returned to the flat, passed the lady with the cat, retrieved my other card, and then went back to the shop.

The olive oil and lemon shot was bitter. I’ve purchased some of the best olive oil money can buy. It came in a massive three-litre tin embossed with a load of Greek lettering. It sits on the kitchen counter like a large can of Greek motor oil.

I’m watching a video on YouTube by Dr Eric Berg. Apparently, he’s the dermatologist for all the celebs in Hollywood. The video is titled What Does Olive Oil Do for the Body?

It’s late so I have my screen filter on ‘Greyscale inverted’. I don’t want blue light in my eyes before bed. As a result, it appears as if Dr Eric Berg is explaining the benefits of olive oil from an X-ray machine. His face is a transparent black and his teeth glimmer like radioactive pearls.

Dr Berg armed with hand-pressed Italian olive oil

Berg lists the commonly discussed benefits of olive oil: anti-inflammatory, anti-ageing, skin health, reduced risk of cancer; some research even points to brain longevity and memory improvements.

But that’s not where you’re seeing the big benefits, he says. All of the therapeutic benefits of this stuff occur because of a group of plant chemicals called polyphenols.

Polyphenols are natural plant compounds found in foods like fruits, vegetables, herbs, spices, tea, red wine, dark chocolate, and olive oil.

In order to note down what Dr Eric Berg is saying, I have set the video playback speed to 0.4x, which means he is now not only a bizarre fluorescent colour, but also voice-distorted like a villain from a faraway galaxy. The suit doesn’t fit; he’s here to improve the skin and gut health of Hollywood stars, not pose an existential threat to humanity.

So what specific polyphenol does all the magic? Dr Eric Berg asks himself. All we know is that these polyphenols from plants, which are developed as a defence mechanism, produce a lot of cool effects on our bodies, especially in preventing the complications of chronic disease.

I won’t copy out Berg’s very scientific explanation word-for-word; you can go and watch the full video for that. But it’s great stuff. A couple of key things to keep in mind: you want organic, extra virgin olive oil. A good tell if you’ve got the real thing is whether it bites the back of your throat. Apparently, you want it to tingle with a peppery sensation.

After receiving my premium olive oil, I got a bit carried away and tipped far too much over the sweet potato and red lentil dish I prepared for dinner. Towards the end of the meal, I was left with a kind of red lentil and olive oil soup, which I spooned into my mouth for fear of wasting any of the liquid gold. It became rather unpleasant, and I started to wonder whether this olive oil experiment would put me off the thick green fluid for good. I shouldn’t think so. As I went to bed, I considered how my gut was being invaded by legions of polyphenols. Any cancer cells didn’t stand a chance.